Adoption Referrals: Dreams vs Reality

1
Apr

As a prospective adoptive parent, many of you have dreamed at length of what “your” child may be like and what it will be like to be their parent. Many of us romance the reality of “and they lived happily ever after” as our goal. But what happens when the child you meet is not the child you had dreamed of, or anything like you had imagined?

First of all, it is important when meeting a referred child that we set aside all of our romantic expectations and take a look at the reality. Here are some questions every parent should consider when meeting the child you have been matched with:

    1. Are the child’s health conditions within the range of characteristics that you had set forth on your application?
    2. Is the child within the age you originally requested?
    3. Are you capable of working to make this a successful relationship?
    4. Are you willing to learn new parenting techniques to better parent this child?
    5. Are you willing to seek help and support?

 

While it is true that some families meet their child and instantly “know” this is the child of their heart, not every family will feel the instant love and connection. Those feeling are okay and are perfectly normal to have. Consider looking at it this way…did you instantly love your spouse upon first meeting? Not all of us experience the magic of love at first sight. Some of us need time to develop the feeling of love. Instead of focusing on the fact you do not feel an instant bond, focus on the positives. This is a child that needs love, and you want a child to love.

As I have mentioned in a previous blog, every adoption is different and just as each case is different, so is every child. Some children may be open and willing to bond with you immediately, while others may need time to warm up. There are also behaviors exhibited by the child that we may not understand. This is why at MLJ we have such a strong focus on education. We want our families to be prepared to handle many different issues, and be aware of what is within the norm and what may be red flags. Fully educate yourself on what behaviors a child within their age range may exhibit. Children meeting you for the first time are under a great deal of stress and do not show it in ways that adults may understand. Make sure you are prepared. MLJ’s Support Services staff are there waiting to help you and advise you! Utilize this service to help you make the best decision for you and your family, and most importantly to know what is best for the child.

While dreaming of the beautiful child you will someday hold in your arms, whether you are adopting from Bulgaria or any country you are led to, arm yourself with knowledge and prepare your heart. The child of your dreams may be different than what you expected, but being different can be a great thing!

 

Photo Credit: World Bank Photo Collection

Lydia Tarr works as the International Program Director for MLJ Adoptions’ programs in Bulgaria and Ukraine. She is the adoptive mother of four children from Ukraine and was recognized as a 2013 Angel in Adoption by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute’s (CCAI) Angels in Adoption Program.

Lydia Tarr works as the International Program Director for MLJ Adoptions’ programs in Bulgaria and Ukraine. She is the adoptive mother of four children from Ukraine and was recognized as a 2013 Angel in Adoption by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute’s (CCAI) Angels in Adoption Program.